Harry Potter and the Magic Wand
by TwilightDream
Summary: Tea leaf stealing chimpanzees you say? Talking wands and burnt owl? How can this be? Who will ever save the day? The ghostbusters were busy so the author settled for Harry Potter.


Harry Potter and the Magic Wand.  
  
Open scene. Nighttime. Harry sits at his desk, staring out of the window.  
  
Narrator: "The day had been the same as any other day at Harry Potter's home on Privet Drive. Once again, Harry had unexpectedly met his arch- nemesis, Lord Voldemort. Of course not actually a Lord, as I think the Queen would have something to say about that. Harry had been threatening Dudley with the promise he would turn him into Dudley's worst fear - a Slim Fast drink. Dudley, of course reminded Harry on end that he wasn't allowed to use magic outside of Wizard world, or else he'll be arrested. But last term at Hogwarts, and all the other terms before it, had seriously disturbed Harry to the point of near-insanity.  
  
The boy wizard had begun to see things differently, but not in the sense of discovering ones self in a different light, but in the sense of literally seeing things that others did not.  
  
Only that morning he had been having a meaningful discussion with the kitchen bin. Then later an argument with the shower curtain, due to its continual need to attach itself to Harry when he wanted to take a shower. Of course, neither his aunt nor uncle helped the young lad, instead they encouraged it. In hopes that eventually the Wizarding school board type people would see the side effects Hogwarts was having on it's students, and the possibility that it would be closed down.  
  
I mentioned that Harry had had another run in with Voldemort? Simply the boy's imagination running away with him. He in-fact had a near death battle with the garden rake. While Petunia, Vernon and Dudley had a picnic on the sidelines, applauding any time Harry stood on the rake end and it sprang up and hit him on his face.  
  
Now silently Harry sat in his room reflecting on his adventurous day. Proud of himself that he was still alive. He had planned on sending an owl to both Ron and Hermione to gloat about his victory, but he found that Hedwig had been electrocuted on a telephone wire that morning, and had been taken to an RSPCA hospital in Scotland. Harry could not be bothered to waste time trying to reclaim Hedwig, so instead decided to just go sit in his room and stare out of the window, hoping that he would gain the use of telepathy and contact Ron and Hermione with his brain waves. He assumed he had, and though there was no reply from either of his friends he put it down to that they were just plainly too normal to have such magnificent powers.  
  
Suddenly Harry looked up, as a noise behind him startled him. His glasses fell off (You'd think he could afford nicely fitting glasses, or some sort of invisibility glasses, or new eyes, everyone keeps saying he stole his mother's, he wants his own pair now) and fell to the ground. He scampered about until he felt them in his grasp and slid them back upon his nose.  
  
Harry: "Who goes there?"  
  
Narrator: "I also forgot to mention he was having a 'Knight-of-Camelot' phase."  
  
Harry: "Show thou self to thy this instant. Uh. Thee."  
  
Narrator: "Then as if like magic (well what else could it be?) Up on the bed appeared a small stick-like figure, with arms and a head (wearing a tiny wizard's hat). Harry recognized it as his wand, yet alive."  
  
Harry's wand: "hiiiiidey hooooo"  
  
Narrator: "And with the greeting the wand waved to the spectacled boy wonder."  
  
Harry: "Who art thou? And why has thee possessed thy self in thy wand."  
  
Harry's wand: "Huh?"  
  
Harry: "Who are you? And why have you possessed my wand? Are you deaf?"  
  
Harry's wand: "No. I just don't speak freaky deeky."  
  
Harry[placing pinky finger to the corner of his mouth]: "Riiiiight."  
  
Harry's wand: "Anyway, I am here to warn you, Harry Potter, sir, to go back to Hogwart's school of witchcraft and wizardry as soon as possible."  
  
Harry: "Why? These are the school holidays and anyway, a small annoying house elf called Dobby warned me not to go back."  
  
Harry's wand[raising a brow]: "Are you on drugs, kid? There ain't no such thing as house elves."  
  
Harry: "That's not what the front door handle told me."  
  
Harry's wand: "Look, just hear me out a'ight? You gotta go back to the school there's been a threat of tea leave stealing chimpanzees."  
  
Harry: "But how?"  
  
Harry's wand: "You have met Hagrid, right?"  
  
Harry: "Oh yeah" he sniggers. "So what? All I have to do is go back and everything'll be okay?"  
  
Harry's wand: "Oh yes, it's as simple as that. Harry Potter makes an appearance at school and suddenly everything is all better. Look, kid, we ain't living in the real world. If we were you'd be called some weird name with Greek origin, wearing shades and large leather coats."  
  
Harry: "Um. You have met J K Rowling, right?"  
  
Harry's wand: "Just shut up! When you get to school there will be a message for you. It'll tell you what to do from there."  
  
Harry: "Okay. When do I start?"  
  
Harry's wand: "This mission, should you chose to accept it will begin when you escape from the Dursley's, again."  
  
Harry: "Woohoo. Alright! I'm so excited, the fire grate is going to be so jealous."  
  
Harry's wand[shaking his wand head]: "This message will self destruct in 5.4.3-"  
  
Harry: "NO! Not my wand!"  
  
Harry's wand[sniggers]: "Heh, I was only messin' with you, kid. Now go on, get some sleep and all the pre adventure/battles with Voldemort stuff."  
  
Harry: "Wait. What has Voldemort have to do with tea leave stealing chimpanzees?"  
  
Harry's wand: "Voldemort always has a hand in any goings on around this place. Wake up, you've been war-ing with the guy most, if not all, of your life."  
  
Harry: "Confound thou zealous idiot."  
  
Harry's wand: "Yes, well, I have a 'Save the bird house' meeting to get too. If you'll excuse me?"  
  
Harry: "Yeah. Whatever."  
  
Narrator: "And with that Harry's wand disapp-"  
  
Harry's wand: "Wait wait. Forgot to say, kid, take those annoying friends of yours with you too. Okay I'm done now."  
  
Narrator: "And with that Harry's wand disappears into thi-"  
  
Harry's wand: "Wait wait. Erm, you wouldn't happen to have a fake beak lying around here would you? No? Damn, well, okay. Ciao."  
  
Narrator: "And with that Harry's wand disappears into thin air, leaving only a sparkling array of-"  
  
Harry's wand: "Wait! Wait wait! heh, nah. Only kiddin' Byee!"  
  
Narrator: "Harry's wand buggers off." 


End file.
